Characters that haunt me – Female Self Image

The character in my mind that haunts me most, is the image women create for themselves, she is Self Image. If she were to materialise from my mind, this is what she would say.

It would be hard to place the exact date I came into existence, I would guess I’m roughly 21. I have stayed this age for years. I don’t remember the first few years of my life or even the powers that created me. I like to think I was conceived around the time Madame was 3 years old. You will think I’m a woman when you meet me; I am probably a woman but I can be anything, I can be a man sometimes, I’m not the expert on what it is to be a man, but to be a man I basically take on some characteristics that Madame believes are masculine. She usually panics when I do this! It’s very important to her that I am a woman, feminine and perfect.

Madame has accepted me as I am on a few occasions but mostly I’m always being compared to some crazy perfect creature, who is ever changing and a figment of her imagination. I feel abused and hurt by this constant comparison! I used to take all that nonsense but now I play tricks to get my revenge. I wait for incidents that cause Madame to feel fragile then change the way I look. It scares her and she feels terrible. She also blames those incidents for my changes which is quite funny, but then she punishes me. That manipulative Madame knows that she is the sole reason I live so she punishes me by punishing herself. She thinks that by being cruel to herself I will become perfect. Not so! Oh I used to try, but I’m over that now. When she is kind to me, I reward her by being someone that will makes her happy. When she is cruel to me, I make small changes to myself that will make her believe that I will turn into her worst nightmare, Madame knows I’m the key to her being happy with herself – if I turn into her worst nightmare, she will never be able to be happy with herself.

Madame does not like interacting with the world; she uses me to interact with everyone else. She likes to stay locked away in that state of nothingness where she feels safe, she makes me give the illusion to everyone that I am her and I have to do everything for her. Now that I have told you this, you can understand why it’s so important to her that I am perfect – she wants to be seen as perfect too. Madame can be a cold unfeeling person, then there are those days, even months when she is besotted with me. It’s always those times when parts of me have come close to what she would like me to be. It’s intoxicating to be idolised, it worries me though; she idolises me so much that I feel like a god. To think you are a god is not healthy! I’m in charge of interacting with everyone – when I’m feeling like a god, I probably don’t treat people that humanly. Being a god makes me feel as if I’m so much better than them, this would cause me to act in a way that is not fitting. Madame doesn’t think how I feel when someone decides it’s time to bring me down to being a mere mortal, that is until she realises her idol is substandard. Then the phase passes and I’m back to being improved upon!

When I’m interacting with others, Madame doesn’t have access to try and control me as much. I can just go through the motions and send all the information I receive back to her. She loves new information so she is mostly well behaved during these periods. I say mostly because there are those times when others give her feedback that I’m slipping up, she gets into such a state and I’m left on my own to pretend everything is alright in case I make her even madder.

I am very tired these days, so much time is spent on trying to keep Madame happy. I thought she just wanted me to impress everyone else but it’s even worse when we are alone. She thinks all this alone time is the perfect time to coax me into being something better. I don’t mind improvement, we all need it, but she always wants instant change. She is not realistic! Teach someone how to ride a bike in a slow caring manner and it’s a lovely bonding process. Show someone a picture of a bike and say, “That should be you! Be that!” The person will fall and hurt themselves. In this instance Madame would probably get even angrier because the picture she pointed at hasn’t emerged. Absolute madness! I long for the day we can have a less turbulent relationship. I don’t want to be idolised, I want to be loved and accepted with all my flaws.

#digiwrimo , #day19

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5 thoughts on “Characters that haunt me – Female Self Image

  1. Pingback: Weekly Writing Challenge: Characters that Haunt You | Chronicles of an Anglo Swiss

  2. Pingback: Character Profile: Madi “Turtle” Yamato | Ramisa the Authoress

  3. Howdy! Would you mind if I share your blog with my twitter group? Theres lots of people that I believe would really enjoy your content. Please let me know. Thanks ggabaffafdbd

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