Childhood Room

Video and music for the scene:

Hear: Silence, breathing

Taste: Metal

Touch: Your fingers are cold

Smell: Sweat

Feel: as if you are being observed, anxiety

See: Darkness

A memory from my childhood room, I was 5 years old:

I woke up feeling very groggy. I opened my eyes and was surrounded in darkness. The room was so pitch black that I couldn’t see anything around me. The night was deathly still, not even a breeze blowing. The temperature was stifling and the room smelled of my own sweat. The intimidating thick blackness around me forced me to stay in my blankets, it was a protective measure. I was feeling very anxious. I looked across the room to my window in anticipation of some light. I could make out the square frame of the window. Some light at least. Something wasn’t right. I looked at the window again and I could just make out the outline of something hanging in the window. I wanted to disappear. I wanted the power to make myself shrink smaller, I needed to hide. I held my breath as much as possible so as not to call any attention to myself. A metallic taste spread across the back of my tongue. I had to keep my eyes on the window. I could make out a rope hanging from the top of the window and a figure below it. I couldn’t panic yet. I strained my ears my ears if I could hear any sounds in the room. The sound of my short breaths magnified in my ears. I wanted to yell for my mother. I couldn’t. If some entity was in the room, it would find me.

I kept my eyes glued to the window – any sudden movements and I would run to my parent’s room. The blackness around me was thinning around me, my eyes were adjusting. I started to make out other objects in the room. Parallel to my bed, I could see the position where the door should be located, a slight frame and blackness. Below the window in front of me, some of my teddy bears and dolls were strewn around the flood. I couldn’t see this for sure but I had some recollection of leaving them there; I could just make out fuzzy objects lying around the floor in that area. There was a dresser to the right of the window, just before the door. I didn’t really want to look there…what if I caught a glimpse of something in the mirror, eyes…it felt like I was being watched. The texture of the blanket was feeling rough against my neck, my head felt light from the lack of breath.

A slight wave of relief swept over me. Another recollection from earlier in the day, my child sized bunny was left in the window and it was my skipping rope hanging from the top! My eyes and mind were now fully functional in the dark enclosure. Even with this realisation, I couldn’t bring my eyes to face that mirror, I could still sense a foreboding presence in the room…

Scene Cut!

We have 5 senses to interact with our surroundings. I like to think 6, feeling is also a sense. How often do we use them all? I’m currently doing a creative writing course and have been tasked to write using all 5 senses. I’m very used to using all 5 senses when I’m in “survival mode” –  such as the above. It must be the adrenaline that kicks in, it causes everything to slow down and causes all my senses to come alive.

If I want to write using 5 senses, I need to start observing my environment using all 5 senses. Through trying to use 5 senses this week, I think I’ve discovered one of the best techniques at being present. Through out the day and going through various interactions, I would keep asking myself what I was sensing. It was a totally different experience. I became so much more present and the mundane suddenly transformed into being interesting…

Just driving in my car, I went through the motions:

I felt the sun rays on my skin.

I could see sunshine and beautiful green mountains around me framed by my old Toyota.

The slight smell of flowers around me (I was on a road with no cars).

I was feeling elated, almost heightened.

I was eating coconut chunks in the car, and the taste of this was still lingering in my mouth.

I could hear – Nikki and the Dove : Drummer. I had ear phones in ( This can be seen as enhancing or detracting from an experience – either way having music can change the whole dimension of the experience.)

Life on steroids!

#digiwrimo , #day11


Thinking VS Feeling


So many keep telling me to stop thinking and just feel. I know what they mean – think less, feel more. But let’s entertain this feeling idea – analyse it a bit 😉

If I just had to do everything I felt – it would be utter chaos! If I’m tired at work; I feel like sleeping…well let me just put my head on the desk here and sleep? If that person is irritating the living daylights out of me…well let me just slap them. I don’t really feel like being alive right now, I just texted a sexy message to my father instead of my boyfriend…let me just crash my car right now, that way I don’t need to deal with him later!

It can’t be fine to just live based on feelings, they change so often anyway. It’s a good thing to always deal with the way you feel; voice those emotions. Decisions are a complicated matter, and balance is always key. There are many different ‘selves’ in you, it’s almost as if there are multiple people in your body. Everybody needs their say. Depending on the circumstances, certain parts of you might need to be held back; including your emotional self.

Example of a quick self-analysis:

Laidback Self

  • Likes slow pretty music (Tracy Chapman , Ben Harper etc)
  • Likes to do exactly what feels best in the moment – usually listening to music, lying on the coach, surfing the web, reading, painting, day dreaming
  • Prefers being in a calm environment – like home
  • Likes a vegetarian diet – doesn’t like the thought of eating killed flesh
  • Procrastinates
  • Wishes to accept self – doesn’t have the power.
  • Negative words: Why do I need to go out? Bed is good. Why work? Just enjoy the food – eat all that sugar – don’t worry!
  • Strong when tired

Driven Self

  • Likes upbeat stimulating music
  • Needs to focus on achieving something – writing a blog post, studying for an exam, exercising, getting work down, going out in the cold to socialise
  • Prefer to be out – at work, gym, party
  • Likes meat – feels primal to be eating something. Venison is the best! Meat nourishes the body
  • Gets things done
  • Needs to improve self
  • Negative words: You are terrible – you better change! You are fat – better crash diet!
  • Weak when tired
  • Panic awakens Driven Self

Emotional Self

  • Likes upbeat music when feeling emotionally stable, likes relaxed music when feeling fragile
  • When tired – do what’s best in the moment, when energized – needs to accomplish something
  • When tired – home, Energized – out doing some activity
  • Prefers a vegetarian diet generally. Will revert to meat diet if feels like destroying self from lack of nourishment.
  • Tends to procrastination as wants to what feels in the moment
  • Feels sad and withdrawn when not accepting self.
  • Feels abused by driven-self’s negative words. Starts feeling depressed if laidback-self talks negatively for too long
  • Needs to connect to other people – created emotions based on these interactions.
  • Needs expression – vital importance to be listened to.
  • Can be extremely destructive when feeling defenceless.

Intuitive Self

  • Random thoughts that be independent of all other Selves.
  • Hardest Self to listen to.

There’s a lot of complexity inside you. Each part of you has its role to play. No wonder it’s hard to make a decision, it’s hard to understand what you are feeling. There’s a lot of confusion going on and the emotional-self can start giving incorrect feedback or even just stop communicating. If only we could learn to use the intuitive-self more often…

How does someone who’s emotional self is frozen interact with the world? Or someone who’s emotional-self gives off totally inappropriate emotions?

#DigiWriMo , #Day7

Wearing your heart on your sleeve


I recently wrote about my childhood experiences. I realized that at a young age I already liked to repress emotion. I also did not like other people seeing me emotional. When pushed to my limits I do have an “I know longer have a conscience switch”, all emotional hell breaks lose…I’m thankfully very much in control of that switch now! I don’t mind showing mild irritability or caring; as long as I’m feeling in control. I don’t want to get into debates about things that are important to me because I don’t like losing my cool. I’ve felt quite emotionless for the past few years. I do occasionally have a cry about a sad movie or book. PMS – I suffer from major PMS, and those are the days I feel emotional; this almost doesn’t count as I get emotional about the most absurd things. I have had very little conflict situations causing me to show emotion. I hate confrontation! I would prefer to change myself than get into a conflict situation. Why…? Maybe I don’t want people to reject or dislike me when I confront them? It could be that I don’t like seeing myself as a source of conflict.

I can’t stand the image of me being emotional in my head. I struggle to say the L word. I have to force myself to say “Lots of love”. I struggle to even jokingly say “I love you”. Wearing my heart on my sleeve is absolutely horrible.

The other day I saw “Wear your heart on your sleeve” written on a chalk board. I read it out loud and commented how dangerous it was to do that. There are a lot of manipulative people out there. The minute you start wearing your heart on your sleeve, people become more aware of how to get what they want from you. There are also a lot of emotionally frozen people who feel very uncomfortable when others are doing the whole emotionally open thing. When people start getting emotional, it’s like this thick over bearing presence emanates from them. It’s a hard space to be in.

So why would anyone want to wear their heart on their sleeve?

1) It’s tiring to constantly assess the situation and react without emotion. To do that, you need to lie to yourself so that you can act the part – over time this starts to numb you inside. You won’t know what you are feeling or how to feel in the end.

2) For those of us that won’t show emotion to anyone – even with friends and family, it is almost impossible to have meaningful relationships without opening up. Yes, two people that are equally closed off can enjoy each other’s company over a long period time (if they are very similar and naturally docile people).

3) You may just become a narcissist(I’m obsessed with this topic for now) – what is a narc? For me, this is someone that no longer feels inside. They use the image they have of themselves  to interact with their environment. Since they are not really focusing on other people. They just obsess about themselves.

4) “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” (Sigmund Freud).

For people that naturally live in touch with their emotion, I assume it’s still difficult to communicate emotion in their relationships. It is impossibly difficult for someone that isn’t used to doing this to do so!

First you would have to admit to yourself you are feeling that emotion, then you have come to terms with this and silence all the doubts that you are in fact feeling this emotion. It is the worst feeling to be the first to take down your shield and open your heart. You feel so vulnerable. I would equate it to dangling off the edge of a cliff. Or having a room full of secrets and having the walls become glass. Playing poker with your cards visible. You feel naked. Maybe taking down your shield is not the right analogy for the expression of anger? I don’t know much about fighting but you probably need to pull your shield back in order to use a sword effectively.

If you can open up even a little – a milestone has been reached. It’s a huge thing to have been able to open up and reveal something about yourself and make yourself vulnerable. And yes, initially it feels as if you are dangling off a cliff, but you jump and that feeling of free falling suddenly feels freeing. Then you realise your heart is in fact attached to your body and this attachment pulls you back into your body, safe on land. I lie…it will still feel like you are free falling, I’m not sure if that feeling goes away, but at least you feel free.

Then the wait for the reaction. Yes, the reaction can be negative or even none at all. No reaction could mean you didn’t really open up enough or the other person(s) is also emotionally closed off. But at least once you have opened up, there can be honest communication and energy flowing – a solution may be reached. Maybe you move closer. Maybe you move apart (and moving apart will be based on something more than assumptions). But at least there is the now possibility of moving closer.

Writing is about being transparent and honest, if this isn’t done, it’s hard for people to connect to you. One of the first obstacles writers need to get over is becoming comfortable with letting people see into their mind. Once you publish your writing, it’s the worst feeling – how will people react to it? Worse – will they even react? It’s fine when you are writing anonymously on a blog, but if you want to publish content to people you know – you end up feeling very vulnerable. You’re not only opening up to one person – you are opening up to many people.

Writing on the things that need to be written about can bring out a torrent of emotions in people that don’t even know you. It’s a scary thought. I’m not a perfect human being.  A lot of my views are twisted. Still, those views need to be expressed so that less twisted people can read them and correct my thinking. When my writings are spot on – I would hope to correct other peoples thinking. This is all very idealistic and it doesn’t always work this way. That’s fine.

So, here’s to wearing my heart on “paper”!

#DigiWriMo , #Day6